I haven’t even begun to figure out what I want in my life now that you’re gone. I spend my nights, contemplating, a future which is reluctant to offer even a glimpse of hope. When I lie in my bed at night, the popcorn ceiling reminds me of the uncertainty behind me and what seems like an even more ambiguous life in front of me. When I close my eyes and fall into my dreams, I’m not comforted by possibilities of happiness. Instead, I’m tormented by the hostilities that lay dormant in my mind. Blackness is a comfort I whole heartedly enjoy. When my eyes are closed and I’m just breathing, the pain I feel in my heart subsides and I am comforted by the stillness in the room. There is no sound of another breath next to mine. There is no shuffle of a body trying to find comfort in this bed beside me. I am alone. In this loneliness, I am sure. I am sure until my mind gives in to the temptation of sleep. The trailer to my life begins to play on repeat, showing me the truth: I hate being alone.

Waking up is a luxury I dread. Being forced to leave the comfort of my bed is a cruel punishment for the simple act of being alive. Every action I take and choice I make, fills me with welcome anxiety. Anxiety that proves I’m still safe in my sanity. I fear the day will bring disappointment and resentment for the people—rather the lack thereof—in my life. The ones whom I am forced to spend my time with throughout the day, drive me further into the dissatisfaction that is my existence. I reluctantly anticipate the loneliness of my bed and spend my time wishing. Wishing I could be happy again. To meet the person I can actually find comfort and contentment in. Someone who will find the same in me. We’ll be each other’s candle in the darkness, glowing brilliantly with hope. I know eventually one day, God willing, there will be the sound of another breath next to mine. One day, there will be the shuffle of a body trying to find comfort in this bed beside me. I won’t be alone. In their company, I’ll be sure. Sure of the happiness that is their breath on my neck and their Love in my arms.